QHL-0006: Unread Draft

From: [redacted]

To: Ben [surname unknown / unhelpfully charming]

Cc: (none, though the universe has been informed)

Attachments: DO NOT SEND FINAL FINAL v7.docx

Draft saved: 02:13

Draft last edited: 02:14 (twice)

Subject: Quick Question

Subject (revised): Following up

Subject (revised again): Per my last email (from 2019)

Subject (final, allegedly): Re: Re: Re: Just circling back

Dear Ben,

I hope this finds you well and not, as it were, continuing to thrive in the exact way that makes me briefly consider taking up amateur taxidermy.

I’m writing to touch base regarding the small matter of your complete disappearance, which, while an innovative approach to communication, did present certain operational challenges on my end. Namely, I had to develop emotional resilience, and I’d rather not do that again without a minimum of two weeks’ notice and a clear scope of work.

As per our previous alignment (verbal, implied, and entirely fabricated by my nervous system), you expressed at multiple points that you “weren’t great at texting,” which I took to mean that you occasionally required reminders. It turns out you meant “I will vanish like a Victorian child into fog,” which, I admit, is on me for not clarifying deliverables.

To ensure we’re all working from the same brief, please confirm the following:

1) When you said “I really like you,” did you mean: a) I like you, b) I like you but I am frightened of intimacy, c) I like you but only in the way one likes an app one never opens, or d) I like you and will now punish you for being likeable.

2) When you said “Let’s do something soon,” did you mean: a) soon, b) soon-ish, c) soon as in “before we die,” or d) soon as in “I’ve already moved to another country and joined a silent monastery.”

3) When you said “I’m not seeing anyone else,” did you mean: a) true, b) technically true because you don’t see people as “anyone,” or c) true in the same way that a chair is “not an animal.”

Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter. If it helps you respond, you may choose from the following pre-approved options:

Option A: “I’m sorry. I panicked. You didn’t deserve that.”

Option B: “I’m sorry. I’m emotionally sponsored by chaos.”

Option C: “I can’t give you what you want, but I should have been honest.”

Option D: “I have no capacity, but I liked your face and made it everyone’s problem.”

Option E: (No response. In which case please note I will be forced to create a narrative without your input, and it will not flatter you.)

For the avoidance of doubt, I am not requesting a meeting, a phone call, or a long and winding voice note recorded while you’re walking past traffic and pretending vulnerability is an ambient soundscape. I am simply requesting clarity, closure, and (if you have it in stock) a single sentence that doesn’t contain the words “headspace,” “overwhelmed,” or “it’s not you.”

Additionally, please advise whether you still have:

• my navy jumper (the one you called “cosy,” which was rich, considering),

• the book you borrowed and did not return (a crime), and

• the audacity (yes).

  (What’s with this tab I can’t get rid of?!) If you prefer not to engage, I respect your decision and will proceed accordingly. “Proceed accordingly” in this context means:

• I will stop checking my phone as if it owes me money,

• I will tell my friends you died (romantically), and I will redirect the considerable managerial talent I developed during this situationship into someone who can meet basic service-level agreements.

  Warm regards (begrudgingly),

  [Name redacted because this draft was, in theory, an act of dignity]

  P.S. Please disregard the attachment. It is not relevant. It is also extremely relevant.

  P.P.S. If you do reply, please do so in writing so I can annotate your response like a hostile solicitor.

  P.P.P.S. I wish you well. Not too well. But, you know.